Hail all! I wanted to first off say thank you, I’ve noticed I have had frequent visitors since I started sharing through Instagram and I want to say I really appreciate that you are taking the time to read. Secondly, I want to apologize for my brief absence on here. It is April, as you know, which means it’s literally the last month of classes until graduation. So my focus really hasn’t been on writing specific topics for you guys. Since this is a personal blog, I wanted to update you guys on what’s going on in my life and talk about my shadow work.
I’ve had a cutthroat attitude damn near my whole life. It wasn’t really something I was conscious of, up until these last few years. It’s hard to admit to yourself that you aren’t a saint, let alone truly addressing the bad qualities in you. I’ve really felt of late that my friendships have been failing and it’s made me have to address to myself, why it is that I find myself in the same situation over and over again?
We all have our life lessons that we need to learn and I think one of mine has been to learn to release control. I have always been rough around the edges. I didn’t really have a great childhood. My brother was really mean to me and abused me most of my childhood. I was weird and isolated and it definitely carried over into my personality. I don’t think I ever really developed social skills growing up. Most of the relationships I’ve had over the course of my life, even including my relationship to my parents, have failed. Mostly because of miscommunication. I also think a part of it too is that I had control issues. As a young child, I didn’t really have friends and so when I found someone I liked, which has always been a rare thing, I really tried to control them. I was possessive and selfish. When I couldn’t control that person any more, I was finished with them because I felt betrayed by it. I hated that that person would want to spend time with other friends, it made me feel so hurt and fearful that they wouldn’t want to be friends with me again so I did the only thing I could do: control the situation and ended the friendship.
People don’t just have a cutthroat attitude for no reason though. Like I’ve said, I was abused for gods know how long in my childhood. I truly don’t remember when it started, I was that young. I felt like I had to be strong and scary to be able to protect myself. My last dating relationship was a toxic one. He was a manipulative person and I really loved and trusted him. Our relationship was never 50/50. It was always about what he wanted and I really had no control over my life in the time we were together. The first place we lived together I really didn’t want to be a part of, but I was 18 eager to get out my parent’s house that my brother still lived in so I just jumped the first ship that I could. I had to live with really shitty roommates who were emotionally manipulative and conniving and I basically spent five years miserable with people who were just awful.
Leaving that relationship, I wanted to get better and become a better person. I hated the bitter person I became and I just wanted to grow and finally leave my long past behind. I really wasn’t planning on dating after that, but my relationship with my boyfriend just kind of happened. In the course of the three years we’ve been together, I’ve watched him transform from a young guy in to a man. Not only has he grown, but he makes me grow into a better person as well. I’ve truly felt 50/50 in our relationship. There aren’t mind games. After a year into our relationship we decided to go back to school together, both in our mid-twenties already having a previous degree. We got our first apartment together and it was honestly the first amount of control I have had in my life really, especially in my adult life. These last two years with my boyfriend have honestly been the best two years of my life.
With the end of our college chapter coming up, he brought up a question I honestly should have been prepared for: where do we want to move to next? It really floored me that he actually asked me where I wanted to move. Yes, we’ve been together for three years, but that mentality of the lack of control I had in my past relationship carries over from time to time. On top of that, I just assumed that he wanted to live close-close to home. I didn’t honestly think that there would be much option.
We certainly can all have our doubts in our relationships and last fall, I was having a bit of a quarter-life crisis after realizing I did not want to continue further in to my education. I hit a moment where I was in doubt over everything. Wondering if I was going to hit a stagnant part in my life and fearing not knowing what was next. Wondering if I should just leave and move somewhere starting new, at least I would be in control of the situation. It was an emotional rock bottom for me and it made me feel really isolated and alone. The last 6 months have been about conquering my doubts and fears and trying to come to terms with the fact that I can’t just write my life path down in a time frame of months.
Realizing I didn’t know what I had in store for the year to come really rattled me to the point of genuinely considering suicide. I know that sounds really dramatic, but it really was quarter-life crisis and I was in panic mode. I’m really proud of myself for being able to get through that period of doubt, because it was a dark place. I felt like I had nothing to live for. These 6 months, I’ve learned to be okay with handing over the cards to fate. It’s even bigger of a deal, because I’ve chosen to hand my cards over to my boyfriend and let him take control. I made the active decision to fully trust him without fear and it’s really brought a harmony into our relationship that we didn’t have before.
I’ve really just been kind of a bitch all of my life, unable to see the good people in it, because I was always focused on the bad ones. I have had a chip on my shoulder for as long as I can remember, so it didn’t really occur to me that there was something wrong with me. I’ve always felt that I’ve had to do things on my own, because I wouldn’t disappoint myself that way. Even in my present relationship, I reserved a piece of myself that way if things didn’t turn out well I could have the emotional strength to pack up and move on. But I’m done with that mentality. He’s done nothing but prove to me he is a loyal and great man and it’s my turn to return the favor.
Beyond my dating relationship, I want to learn to be better at personal relationships. I’ve always had to have a selfish way of thinking for self preservation, but I really don’t need to have that kind of an attitude anymore. Not that I’m saying I shouldn’t be on my guard about strangers, but if I always have that huge wall built, I’ll never be open to new friendships and new potential.
I’ve really made progress in my personal growth. Like I said, I really wasn’t planning on starting a dating relationship after the chaos of my previous one. I really wanted to start my next relationship as a clean and mended person, I feel bad that my boyfriend has had to deal with the process of me mending, because I have been really selfish and unkind to him in the process. But he’s stuck around for three years during the time of my personal recovery, it’s exciting to think of the new potential with us putting a close to our college chapter together. I’m really proud of him and I’m really proud of myself.
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