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Planetary Influences

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To follow up with The Stars Align, I wanted to talk about how the stars actually aligned. I discovered a few days after I quit my job of some key astrological things were happening. To start with, Mars (desire, drive) was in opposition of Pluto (transformation, elimination). Opposition typically indicates an over stimulation of energy. For me, the opposition gave me that push to finally do it. I felt divine energy go through me in the moments of me realizing that the decision was already made. Scorpio represents Hades through-and-through to me and Mars and Pluto (the Roman name for Hades) are Scorpio’s ruling planets.

I also discovered that Neptune was coming out of retrograde a few days after that. I was not aware that it had been in Rx (retrograde) for the last 6 months, but once I did, it clicked with me that was a possible part of the reason that I had felt spiritually dead. Normally Rx Neptune is supposed to be a time for spiritual focus. However, because I am a Pisces (Neptune is the ruling planet for Pisces) it may have been a reason for my lull; Perhaps for other Pisces they do feel more spiritual, but my spiritual focus is guided more by energy cues and the elusive quality of Neptune. After I had found out about the Rx, I dug deep and found some insight on why I work the way I do.

I am not in anyway saying that astrology is the reason to why things happen. I believe that the planetary alignments/movements indicate different energies that are going on in the universe and that it can sway us towards certain actions and behaviors. I am an psy-vamp (energy vampire) and I am very receptive to the energies around me. It’s possible that Neptune influences my perception. Also it could be associated to the relationship between Persephone and Hades and I’m spiritually inclined towards the dark half of the year. There are plenty of variables.

The important thing is that I didn’t stress about it over the summer. I knew that my spiritual dud would pass and that maybe I was just meant to take a break from it. Everything happens for a reason. To me, retrogrades indicate a time to take a break/rest. Rest is just as, if not more, important as action. We are presently in Mercury retrograde until the 22nd. I can easily see the influence from it. My computer and phone has been super wonky and frustrating, but I’ve been drawing an energy barrier around it and it seems to work.

I know that this blog wasn’t very interesting, but it is essential for me to acknowledge these influences, because they are lessons learned. They give me a deeper understanding of the way I interact with the world. It also prepares me for future retrogrades and how I can best work with them.

 

 

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The Stars Align

Man and the Universe
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Working up to what I’m about to tell you has been a long year of hating my job.  I won’t say the name of my work place, but I will tell you that it was a toxic environment. It was a retail job in a small scale store in a small, toxic town. The customers who came in regularly were a bunch of entitled, elderly women who could never be pleased. To give you a single example of the kind of crap I dealt with on a regular basis, my store manager, who is the most personable person I know, was complained to through corporate over a 10 cent difference in price on a coupon that was expired.

Over and over again, I was constantly dealing with hundreds of old hags that tried to fight with me over prices, items we’ve never had that “were there years ago”, coupons, coupons, fucking coupons! and various other bullshit. I was a manager there, so it was my job to deal with it. I’ve never been a big people person, but working there turned me into a people-hating monster. There were times I would cry before I had to go to work. Towards the middle of summer it got to the point of when I was interacting with customers, my mind and eyes would often wander off and I would study the sharpest thing that was closest to me. I would think about what it would be like if I just slit my wrists right there or what it would be like to stab the customer repeatedly in front of me with it. Working there took a major toll on my mental health.

I hated my job, myself and my life. All I wanted to do was die. But I persevered, because I knew we would be moving soon so there wasn’t a point in job hunting. Alas, we finally moved and as it turned out, the same retail store happened to be in the town we live at now. My manager offered to transfer me over there. I was hesitant, but since everything was moving so fast, I didn’t want to start off without a job.

The first day after the move, I immediately got sick with a cold. I imagine my immune system was shit, because of all of the physical labor, lack of sleep and stress. I needed to rest and recover and my body forced me to do just that. I was scheduled to work at said-retail job three days after the move. I immediately had bad vibes. The weather was shit, my physical health was still shit. The store was HUGE and was an absolute mess and guess what? The customers were still shit as well, again with the fucking coupons.

I thought about just walking off the job that first day, but I pushed forward for the next two after. Saturday I decided to call off, because I didn’t think I could mentally handle another full shift there. Then Sunday happened. I met a new manager I hadn’t interacted with as soon as I clocked in. She really rubbed me the wrong way and had me work on a task that I really hated. As I was doing said task, I couldn’t help think to myself, “Why am I doing this? This is a new place and I shouldn’t be starting it doing something that makes me miserable.” I paced around the store thinking  things like this for about 30 minutes and then it clicked, This is really happening. This is it. I’m going to quit. 

I paced around some more hoping to pull myself together, but instead something unexpected happened. Part of it was certainly adrenaline, but I felt so out of body. It literally felt like Universal energy, Hades and my Higher self aligned and wrapped its life force around me. I truly felt like one with the ether in this moment and I could hear my soul, deity, the ancient universe telling me to quit, to follow my instincts. I hurried to the bathroom hoping to call a couple of friends on my phone to advice me on it but no one answered. It was my decision alone to make and I knew what was the right thing to do.

As I walked up to the manager on duty I said, “Do you believe in following your gut?” Hesitantly she said, “Sometimes… why?” “Because I do” saying this I begin to take out my ear piece and unclip my headset, “I can’t do this anymore. I quit. I’m done.” She said “I understand” and took my things. As I turned around, I was in such shock, I muttered, “I’m done… I’m done! I’M DONE!!!!!!!!” I screamed as collected my bag and coat. Exiting that building felt like leaving prison. I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.

As soon as I got in my car I was screaming on the top of my lungs over and over and over again, “I’m done!! I’m free!!!!!” I probably screamed for a solid 5 minutes while bawling my eyes out. It was the most releasing experience. I purged myself in my car of all the built up, repressed feelings and energy that I’ve carried all year, but particularly all summer. It was the most spiritual experience I’ve had in a very long time. It felt so good and so real to finally speak my truth and to make my own calls on what I want and don’t want. I finally got to shed my skin.

My boyfriend knew this was coming. He’s known I’ve been unhappy for a long time and he knew I really loathed the new store. I even warned him going in to work Sunday that I honestly didn’t know if I was going to walk out or not. He wasn’t angry and still isn’t. I think he’s just happy to have me back again. Even one of my close friends stated yesterday, that she could tell that I was truly happy, because in her words “Your energy feels damn near effervescent, which for you is something.” I had to laugh, but she’s not wrong. I feel alive again, it’s something I haven’t really felt since last December.

This is a good chunk of why I haven’t been writing since August, I’ve been dead inside. I’m presently in search of work, but we are comfortable on his support. As you can imagine, I have boundaries this time around on jobs and I’m being very selective. It’s not worth my unhappiness and I really want to be mentally healthy so I can put my all into this blog and other creative endeavors. It’s amazing to be happy again and to feel free. I feel like I can breathe again.

I’m back!

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Hello Friends! I’m back!

It’s been a while. As you all know, my man and I graduated from University in May. He had to complete an internship after graduation and past that, he was good to start applying for jobs in his major. I’m pretty sure that I mentioned it in a previous post, but I decided that I was going to place myself in the passenger’s side and let him take us where we needed to be. We heard back from a few places in August, they were three part interviewing process. They said we would hear back in a month after the first interview, but September went by, then October…

Tired of waiting he applied for a job three hours north of us in mid-October. He heard back from them pretty immediately. He went on to have a second interview with them two days after that. A week after that, he had a face-to-face interview and bam! He’s hired. Two days before Halloween we looked at three different apartments in the area and fell in love with the last one we looked at. We put in our application for it and two days after that, bam! We were accepted. We moved in a week later, the date being November 11th. It seemed/seems like this was meant to be. Everything else we tried for was slow going, but this happened within only a couple of weeks. Not to mention that the transition was so smooth and so, so FAST! So here we are.

The apartment we live in now is awesome! Not that I didn’t love the apartment we lived in before, but this one is a three bedroom with an attached garage and shed. Plus the backyard is really nice! You can bet that we will be having fires back there. We have big, round furniture and were fortunate that the living room could comfortably fit it. Our couch is a big red, semi-circular couch and I have a big papasan chair. If you don’t know what a papasan is, it’s a rattan (kinda like bamboo), mushroom chair.  Most importantly for me, I’ve been saying all year that wherever we move to next, I want an office. Well guess what? I have one!

I wanted to do a blog post the first week we moved in, but I was really sick all week. Last week was me settling in and then the last two days, I finally got my ducks in a row and got the office completely set up. This is just a little update on what’s been going on. I have a spiritual post I plan to write tomorrow which will talk about why I’ve been a-wall and a really satisfying decision I did two Sundays ago. Until then, I hope you all have a great rest of the day. I’m very glad to be back.

Blessed be.

Embracing the Queen

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Now that I have made it past a quarter of my life, I have noticed a lot of change in my life. Relationships, behaviors, thoughts and styles I have out grown. I have really come of age. I think no matter what generation you are in, reaching your middle twenties is a really awkward phase to be in. It’s just silently awkward, because before in your teen’s you got to experience and share it with other’s around your age. At 26, I have since outgrown childhood relationships and those I was close to, have grown distant because our lives went separate paths. My social circles have greatly shrunk since I was in my teens.

It feels even more awkward for me as a woman in her mid-to-late 20’s that hasn’t had a kid or gotten married at 18 (or both). I used to be someone who spent her time in the company of friends who were 7 to 20 year’s older who also didn’t have kids.  But now I am becoming friends with other women who are experiencing their coming of age and having children, so it’s become a real eye opener. It has really made me conscious of other prerogatives as a woman. Often as a kid, I always felt that Crone energy surrounding me (being the older people and interests I had), but also the maiden energy as I was growing from within. But now I feel a shift in energies now that I am in the next quarter of my life. I no longer feel that I am the Maiden nor the Crone, but I feel that I am now experiencing The Mother.

It’s conflicting for me, as someone who has never wanted kids to enter The Mother or “Woman” aspect of my life. I’m not a girl anymore, I have fought my own battles for a long time so I have earned the right to call myself a woman.  However, I don’t want children which makes me feel like I don’t qualify to be The Mother, which makes me feel like I am not a Woman. On top of that, society adds a stigma against getting older or embracing femininity because that equals embracing sexuality.

We have been brainwashed from birth that we are inferior. We are raised to tear each other apart, to hate each other, to hate ourselves.  Because society makes you feel like you have to defend yourself for being a girl, to prove that you aren’t a slut or that you’re not to confident or too successful. Calling yourself a woman means to take pride in yourself as an independent woman. So here’s what I propose:

I am owning being The Mother by modernizing it and calling it The Queen. A Queen can follow any path she chooses. She can rule the world and, if she chooses to do so, raise children at the same time. She commands respect and loyalty. She upholds her own values and knows  her own strengths. She chooses to walk the beat of her own drum. I have earned my title of Queen. I have fought my own battles and will rule what I have built. It’s time to update the Triple Goddesses to be The Maiden, The Queen and the Crone.

 

Releasing

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Litha was Tuesday and it went well. Taking stock of the past and releasing what no longer serves was a good theme to go with. Tonight is the New Moon and as I said before, it has been my intention to cut the cord between my mother and I. I also decided to cut the cord between my brother and I and also to release old ties from the past and the projections that they carry with them.

It did not occur to me, until after Litha and the New Moon, that the theme has been more on shedding the old skin and embracing a new identity. Now that school is over, we will be moving quite some distance away, I can close the doors of old relationships that no longer serve me. I am not one to be overly sentimental. Old friends from work or school or whatever past scenario, once that scenario is over, I realize that we will no longer to continue to be in communication. It doesn’t bother me, but feeling socially obligated to be under false pretenses does.

I have debated for some time about starting a new Facebook and creating a new public identity for my spiritual social medium. I would like to eventually do YouTube videos and become a more public figure in the social community, but I really don’t want it to be tied to my born name. It wasn’t but two days before Litha, a catalyst drove me to make a new facebook account with the new name I’ve been thinking on. Then Litha came and my coven did welcoming ceremony to acknowledge the birth of my Shadow name. I wasn’t planning on doing a ceremony until at the spur of a moment, it felt right to do so.

As I was doing my cord cutting ritual tonight, I continued to repeat, “I release the ties and projections of the past and embrace my new identity.” Litha and the present energy, for me, has been on transformation and releasing what no longer serves. It is with the fires of Litha and the Full Moon to come, that my true identity can be illuminated. I feel relieved to let go of the guilt and heavy feelings that go along with endings. It feels good to be ready to step forward and to know that along with Litha, this is the midpoint of my life. Now I can move forward into the next half of my life letting go of the past.

It is with this post that I acknowledge my spiritual name, Lunara Heartleaf. I hope that you have enjoyed reading all that I have shared, because I have no doubts that I have much more in store for you all and for myself.

Blessed be.

Summer Solstice

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Ostara up until Litha (Summer Solstice) I have felt a very high, upbeat energy. Originally when I was planning out ritual for Litha, I was feeling the active, Spring energy. I was thinking about making it very nostalgic. I wanted to do a water balloon fight blessed with moon water and it would be very fun. I was thinking about the group bringing their favorite childhood dish and making a playlist with songs from everyone’s childhood. However, pretty much all of the ideas I had for it got shut down and it made me grumpy so I just decided to scrap it.

I can sense the shift in the Wheel and that the darker days are coming. It is when my connection to the Underworld and Hades is at its highest point, particularly in Winter. It is a time of solemnity and introspection. It’s when I am at my most transformative. Of late, my dreams have been bringing me back to childhood issues and my family house. I don’t believe that I have mentioned it, but I had a fallout with my mother almost three years ago. We haven’t spoken in two years other than brief emails over financial things. I tried a couple of times to make amends in my own way and she shut them down.

I won’t go deep into it other than, she basically wanted to make me her therapist and it wasn’t something I could deal with. No child should be their parent’s therapist. Almost everything she said in that time frame really sunk under my skin and haunted me. Often she would tell (scream at) me how awful and selfish of a daughter I am. It really fucked me up. These last couple of years, I thought time would heal, make it better. I’d forget about it for a time, but then everything would resurface making me just as angry and hurt over the whole thing.

With my bf and I moving, quite likely, a distance away, I contemplated for a couple of months whether or not I should make amends, try to fix things. I guess it was because I subconsciously wanted to prove her wrong, that I wasn’t an awful daughter. As much as I thought about it, it just didn’t seem probable that I would have came out of the situation happy. I did a tarot reading on it last week and it pretty much confirmed that I need to move on and cut the cords. That I can’t heal and recover, because I’m just sitting here stewing over an unfixable relationship.

It is my intention on the New Moon (the 23rd)  to do a cord cutting ceremony, to break the bonds between us, for my own mental health. As I was thinking about Summer Solstice, I thought about it being a fire festival and fire is a great way to purge any issues. Litha is about taking stock of the year and moving forward with it. So it’s my thought to make Litha a purging ritual for my group. I let them know ahead of time to start thinking of any resurfacing issues, things they want to purge. I plan to bring cord for them to project that negative energy on. They’ll then place the intention of releasing that energy that no longer serves them and then burn it. With the Solstice being a Light celebration, I view it as illuminating the dark corners of your mind and dusting out the old cobwebs so to speak. .

It’s not the Summer-Blast-Off, nostalgia that I originally wanted, but it’s powerful. I am a cyclical learner. Things resurface over and over again, I learn and release something new from it every time. I hope that maybe this will aid you in your Summer Solstice in some way.

Blessed Be

Getting creative

From my post before last, I got the idea to do a bullet journal, but for my witch stuff. I got my book two Saturdays ago and what I’ve done, I’m pretty excited about. I figured I would share it with you. If you follow my facebook page, you’ve seen some of these pictures before, but that’s okay.

Originally, I was thinking about doing a magic scrapbook or smashbook, but at the moment I don’t have a functioning printer so it would be really inconvenient and have to be pre-planned. I felt like that took away from the essence of what I wanted to do. I have a handful of pinterest boards that have information of chakras, crystals, mythology, etc and I wanted to essentially take what I’ve added from there and transfer it into a physical copy. Personally, I try to stay away from technology when I am doing magical stuff, which is when I’d need to look up my pinterest board or whatever.

So here’s what I’ve got so far:

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It’s not perfect, but who cares? It’s mine and I’m really excited with the way it looks. I probably would’ve had more pages done, but I’ve been working a lot. On top of that, we had new unexpected addition to our family. We wound up taking home a new kitten on Memorial Day, so my time has been involved in swooning over my new baby. My other two cats have embraced him into the household so it’s been fun. Don’t worry, I’m not going to spam my page with cat pictures, but I can’t resist sharing one.

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I have a feeling he is going to be a magical familiar. His name is Belfry, because he looks like a bat.

I will be sure to add another post soon. Litha is coming up here in two weeks exactly and I will be writing and performing ritual for it. My plan is to share a bit on it, once I get it all together in my mind. On top of that, after Litha, the days will be getting shorter, connecting me closer to Hades and the Underworld. I’ve felt a distance since Ostara, but that makes sense with Persephone leaving the Underworld. He has been creeping into the back of my mind again and it’s exciting to say the least. I have missed it.

Be sure to follow my facebook page if you haven’t!

Blessed be