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Embracing the Queen

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Now that I have made it past a quarter of my life, I have noticed a lot of change in my life. Relationships, behaviors, thoughts and styles I have out grown. I have really come of age. I think no matter what generation you are in, reaching your middle twenties is a really awkward phase to be in. It’s just silently awkward, because before in your teen’s you got to experience and share it with other’s around your age. At 26, I have since outgrown childhood relationships and those I was close to, have grown distant because our lives went separate paths. My social circles have greatly shrunk since I was in my teens.

It feels even more awkward for me as a woman in her mid-to-late 20’s that hasn’t had a kid or gotten married at 18 (or both). I used to be someone who spent her time in the company of friends who were 7 to 20 year’s older who also didn’t have kids.  But now I am becoming friends with other women who are experiencing their coming of age and having children, so it’s become a real eye opener. It has really made me conscious of other prerogatives as a woman. Often as a kid, I always felt that Crone energy surrounding me (being the older people and interests I had), but also the maiden energy as I was growing from within. But now I feel a shift in energies now that I am in the next quarter of my life. I no longer feel that I am the Maiden nor the Crone, but I feel that I am now experiencing The Mother.

It’s conflicting for me, as someone who has never wanted kids to enter The Mother or “Woman” aspect of my life. I’m not a girl anymore, I have fought my own battles for a long time so I have earned the right to call myself a woman.  However, I don’t want children which makes me feel like I don’t qualify to be The Mother, which makes me feel like I am not a Woman. On top of that, society adds a stigma against getting older or embracing femininity because that equals embracing sexuality.

We have been brainwashed from birth that we are inferior. We are raised to tear each other apart, to hate each other, to hate ourselves.  Because society makes you feel like you have to defend yourself for being a girl, to prove that you aren’t a slut or that you’re not to confident or too successful. Calling yourself a woman means to take pride in yourself as an independent woman. So here’s what I propose:

I am owning being The Mother by modernizing it and calling it The Queen. A Queen can follow any path she chooses. She can rule the world and, if she chooses to do so, raise children at the same time. She commands respect and loyalty. She upholds her own values and knows  her own strengths. She chooses to walk the beat of her own drum. I have earned my title of Queen. I have fought my own battles and will rule what I have built. It’s time to update the Triple Goddesses to be The Maiden, The Queen and the Crone.

 

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Releasing

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Litha was Tuesday and it went well. Taking stock of the past and releasing what no longer serves was a good theme to go with. Tonight is the New Moon and as I said before, it has been my intention to cut the cord between my mother and I. I also decided to cut the cord between my brother and I and also to release old ties from the past and the projections that they carry with them.

It did not occur to me, until after Litha and the New Moon, that the theme has been more on shedding the old skin and embracing a new identity. Now that school is over, we will be moving quite some distance away, I can close the doors of old relationships that no longer serve me. I am not one to be overly sentimental. Old friends from work or school or whatever past scenario, once that scenario is over, I realize that we will no longer to continue to be in communication. It doesn’t bother me, but feeling socially obligated to be under false pretenses does.

I have debated for some time about starting a new Facebook and creating a new public identity for my spiritual social medium. I would like to eventually do YouTube videos and become a more public figure in the social community, but I really don’t want it to be tied to my born name. It wasn’t but two days before Litha, a catalyst drove me to make a new facebook account with the new name I’ve been thinking on. Then Litha came and my coven did welcoming ceremony to acknowledge the birth of my Shadow name. I wasn’t planning on doing a ceremony until at the spur of a moment, it felt right to do so.

As I was doing my cord cutting ritual tonight, I continued to repeat, “I release the ties and projections of the past and embrace my new identity.” Litha and the present energy, for me, has been on transformation and releasing what no longer serves. It is with the fires of Litha and the Full Moon to come, that my true identity can be illuminated. I feel relieved to let go of the guilt and heavy feelings that go along with endings. It feels good to be ready to step forward and to know that along with Litha, this is the midpoint of my life. Now I can move forward into the next half of my life letting go of the past.

It is with this post that I acknowledge my spiritual name, Lunara Heartleaf. I hope that you have enjoyed reading all that I have shared, because I have no doubts that I have much more in store for you all and for myself.

Blessed be.

Summer Solstice

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Ostara up until Litha (Summer Solstice) I have felt a very high, upbeat energy. Originally when I was planning out ritual for Litha, I was feeling the active, Spring energy. I was thinking about making it very nostalgic. I wanted to do a water balloon fight blessed with moon water and it would be very fun. I was thinking about the group bringing their favorite childhood dish and making a playlist with songs from everyone’s childhood. However, pretty much all of the ideas I had for it got shut down and it made me grumpy so I just decided to scrap it.

I can sense the shift in the Wheel and that the darker days are coming. It is when my connection to the Underworld and Hades is at its highest point, particularly in Winter. It is a time of solemnity and introspection. It’s when I am at my most transformative. Of late, my dreams have been bringing me back to childhood issues and my family house. I don’t believe that I have mentioned it, but I had a fallout with my mother almost three years ago. We haven’t spoken in two years other than brief emails over financial things. I tried a couple of times to make amends in my own way and she shut them down.

I won’t go deep into it other than, she basically wanted to make me her therapist and it wasn’t something I could deal with. No child should be their parent’s therapist. Almost everything she said in that time frame really sunk under my skin and haunted me. Often she would tell (scream at) me how awful and selfish of a daughter I am. It really fucked me up. These last couple of years, I thought time would heal, make it better. I’d forget about it for a time, but then everything would resurface making me just as angry and hurt over the whole thing.

With my bf and I moving, quite likely, a distance away, I contemplated for a couple of months whether or not I should make amends, try to fix things. I guess it was because I subconsciously wanted to prove her wrong, that I wasn’t an awful daughter. As much as I thought about it, it just didn’t seem probable that I would have came out of the situation happy. I did a tarot reading on it last week and it pretty much confirmed that I need to move on and cut the cords. That I can’t heal and recover, because I’m just sitting here stewing over an unfixable relationship.

It is my intention on the New Moon (the 23rd)  to do a cord cutting ceremony, to break the bonds between us, for my own mental health. As I was thinking about Summer Solstice, I thought about it being a fire festival and fire is a great way to purge any issues. Litha is about taking stock of the year and moving forward with it. So it’s my thought to make Litha a purging ritual for my group. I let them know ahead of time to start thinking of any resurfacing issues, things they want to purge. I plan to bring cord for them to project that negative energy on. They’ll then place the intention of releasing that energy that no longer serves them and then burn it. With the Solstice being a Light celebration, I view it as illuminating the dark corners of your mind and dusting out the old cobwebs so to speak. .

It’s not the Summer-Blast-Off, nostalgia that I originally wanted, but it’s powerful. I am a cyclical learner. Things resurface over and over again, I learn and release something new from it every time. I hope that maybe this will aid you in your Summer Solstice in some way.

Blessed Be

Getting creative

From my post before last, I got the idea to do a bullet journal, but for my witch stuff. I got my book two Saturdays ago and what I’ve done, I’m pretty excited about. I figured I would share it with you. If you follow my facebook page, you’ve seen some of these pictures before, but that’s okay.

Originally, I was thinking about doing a magic scrapbook or smashbook, but at the moment I don’t have a functioning printer so it would be really inconvenient and have to be pre-planned. I felt like that took away from the essence of what I wanted to do. I have a handful of pinterest boards that have information of chakras, crystals, mythology, etc and I wanted to essentially take what I’ve added from there and transfer it into a physical copy. Personally, I try to stay away from technology when I am doing magical stuff, which is when I’d need to look up my pinterest board or whatever.

So here’s what I’ve got so far:

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It’s not perfect, but who cares? It’s mine and I’m really excited with the way it looks. I probably would’ve had more pages done, but I’ve been working a lot. On top of that, we had new unexpected addition to our family. We wound up taking home a new kitten on Memorial Day, so my time has been involved in swooning over my new baby. My other two cats have embraced him into the household so it’s been fun. Don’t worry, I’m not going to spam my page with cat pictures, but I can’t resist sharing one.

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I have a feeling he is going to be a magical familiar. His name is Belfry, because he looks like a bat.

I will be sure to add another post soon. Litha is coming up here in two weeks exactly and I will be writing and performing ritual for it. My plan is to share a bit on it, once I get it all together in my mind. On top of that, after Litha, the days will be getting shorter, connecting me closer to Hades and the Underworld. I’ve felt a distance since Ostara, but that makes sense with Persephone leaving the Underworld. He has been creeping into the back of my mind again and it’s exciting to say the least. I have missed it.

Be sure to follow my facebook page if you haven’t!

Blessed be

Update!

Three exciting things!

I changed the web address from heartleafxartistry.wordpress.com to the new heartleafinsight.wordpress.com  I hate to be childish, but I could see the word “fart” in the original and it bothered me. So be sure if you have me saved on your bookmarks before to re-save me! Save my link if you haven’t!

Also, I have made a facebook page. Please feel free to join it! https://www.facebook.com/heartleafinsight/ It’ll go hand in hand with the things I write in my blog.

Lastly, I decided to make an official email. heartleafinsight@gmail.com so if you have any desire to contact me, please feel free to do so!

Thank you for following my page!

Please share and subscribe!

-Broodmother

 

Preparing

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Perhaps it’s the Virgo Moon in me that’s becoming more dominant in my personality or just the fact that I’m spiritually transitioning into adulthood, but organization has became a strong desire over the last year. If you enjoy Pinterest like me, you’ve probably stumbled upon the Bullet Journal (or bujo for short). If you haven’t, it’s simply a DIY planner that you can make with a grid or plain journal. It can be minimalistic or you can do like most people and add pictures, doodles, quotes, decorations, etc.  I really liked the idea of it when I was starting school last fall and I gave it a shot. It worked for me to a certain degree, but I didn’t use it to its fullest potential. I think because of the internal turmoil I was going through, I just didn’t give this last school year or the journal much effort.

However, since my last blog, I’ve been thinking more on my life purpose and what I want. I’ve mentioned in my last couple of entries that I didn’t know what I wanted in life, more specifically when it comes to career. But since my last post, I’ve thought about the satisfaction I had in doing those tarot readings for my friends last weekend. With that, I’ve concluded that I am supposed to focus on my spirituality. I believe that my spiritual journey IS my life purpose. When I get to the point that I’m practiced and knowledgeable, I want to give to the others. Travel to people’s homes and provide spiritual services for them. I believe it to be my life’s work. My hopes are when my boyfriend gets a job offer after his internship, we will be closer to a place where I have access to a reiki teacher so I can learn to be a reiki practitioner.

Since school ended, it has been my goal to get a daily routine going for me so I can focus on studying metaphysical subjects and just be an overall productive person. Presently, my goal has been to study tarot. I didn’t want to give up the bullet journal just because school is over, but I don’t really have many mundane responsibilities. I’m child free and I work part time, so I have a pretty clear schedule for the most part. As far as I’m concerned, now that I do know what I want with my life, my spiritual studies are my part time job. Over the week, I’ve been setting up my journal again and have been researching how other people use it.  It occurred to me today that instead of this just being a chore/routine organizer this could be a spiritually oriented bullet journal.

The picture I decided to post for this blog is a personal picture of all of the notebooks I use to write in for my various spiritual things. That’s FIVE notebooks. The one on top towards the left is Llewellyn’s Witches’ Datebook 2017. I love all of the daily information it has, but it doesn’t really have enough space for me to write in. The little black book under it is my tarot book. I write cheats in it, such as different spreads and little tid bit information for readings. It was really useful in my reading for my friends last week, because it allowed them to look at the different spreads and think about their question.

The fairy journal on the right is my spiritual diary. I write about dreams and interactions I have with Hades and other spirits. It is more significant to me, so I only write about specific things in it. It’s my “what I know” book. Under it is a composition notebook is my work book that I log all of my tarot readings in to. On top of that, it’s my idea book. I write my different ideas for rituals, different personal revelations. It’s my “theory” book and things I actively work on. The two books on the left are Llewellyn’s Sabbats 2017 and Witches’ Companion 2017. I like to read those for inspiration and get new ideas, the sabbats is particularly helpful for when I am writing rituals. Then behind all of that, is my beta-bujo. I decided to go ahead and order a dot grid notebook to be my official bujo, because I just didn’t like the graph paper notebook. I’ll use my beta book for creating templates and whatever else I need.

I think having a spiritual bullet journal that gets me organized will really help me in the long run. With us moving in the not-so-distant future, I’m going to be a solitary witch again and I really want to be active in witchcraft. I want to participate and write for sabbats, even if they are solitary. I also really want to be conscious of the moon and do moon work every month, full and new. I also want to be conscious of the stuff going on astrologically. Every three days the moon moves to a different sign in the astrological wheel. Along with the cycles of the astrological wheel. I really want to be spiritual attuned to the cycles of the world and I think that my idea for a spiritual bullet journal is exactly what I need. If this is my life’s work, then I should treat it as such and organize around it, like one would with a work schedule.

I’m really excited about this idea. Once my book comes in, I will gladly share with you what I’ve got. I hope that it helps you guys out with your craft too! Also, just something to keep in mind. It’s never too late to get organized. Don’t hesitate to create your own calendar, just because it’s May and not January. You can’t put your life on hold, because it’s not at a conventional time. Be present in your own life. You can do it. I know this, because I’ve done it. 🙂

Energy

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So I’ve been a little conflicted about writing this, because it’s a little out there. It’s easy to get turned off by the name of it or have different associations to the words. BUT! This is a personal blog and I’m writing about my experiences.

I have always been sensitive to energy. It’s not something that I was conscious about when I was younger. It really wasn’t until my spiritual reawakening that I really understood it. For a while, I thought I was maybe an empath. It wasn’t until my circle had a class on energy two years ago, that I had described some of my experiences with it. One of the things I had said was that sometimes when I am working, I worked as a cashier at Walmart at the time, there would be a person who had a lot of energy and it made me feel drunk. My Den Mother gave me this look and told me later that I could be an energy vampire, because she is one as well.

Psy-vamps, or psychic vampires, is another name, but it isn’t named that because they’re “psychic”. Basically psy-vamps are people who have a defect, so to speak, that causes them to not keep energy or produce enough of it. It could be something wrong with one of their chakras or something going on with their body that causes them to not produce energy. It’s not malicious, it’s a natural occurring thing and they have to feed off of energy in order to restore themselves, like a diabetic not being able to produce insulin so to speak.  They may feel really tired all of a sudden and then once they find an external source of energy, they feel great. There’s many ways to feed though. It’s not like psy-vamps have to drink people’s blood or anything like that. I’ll add a link if you’d like to read some more details on it.

When my Den Mother told me I may be a psy-vamp, I definitely kept that in mind and did some research on it, but nothing really clicked with me at the time. Again, it was two years ago and we’ve talked about it on and off throughout the years. I asked how she fed and for some advice.. When I tried to do those things, I didn’t really “feel” it. I reserved the opinion that maybe I wasn’t a psy-vamp, because I just figured if I was feeding off of something, I’d know it. But last month, something happened to make me think otherwise.

My boyfriend was on a 6 day training session eight hours away last month. During that week of him being gone, I was sick damn near every other day and my health plummeted at the end of the week. The first night he was gone I had a terrible migraine, the day after that I had another. The little allergies I had turned into a full blow flu. I had horrible diarrhea. On top of that, each day that he was gone, my back was in more pain each day and at the end of it, I felt like a 90 year old. I thought about going to the hospital the night before he came home, because I felt sooooo sick. Once he got home, my health went back to normal! I’m not talking like a few days after, I’m talking about literally as soon as we were physically present with each other, all of the terrible sickness I had was gone, beyond the stuffiness from my cold/flu.

It opened my mind again to the idea that maybe I really am an energy vampire. I had messaged my Den Mother about it the next day. She said that her husband was her primary feeding source and that it made sense that my health had a major decline from the long distance. Mind you, my bf and I have lived together for three years so consciously or not, if I was an energy vampire, he has been my primary source for three years. After this realization, I had looked up my research again and found a great site that talked about the symptoms of being an energy vampire and it ALL rung a bell.

I am a psy vamp. I’m not an empath necessarily, it’s just a product of being conscious of energy, because I need an external energy source to sustain me. With that being said, as I said in my last blog, I watch a distance reiki channel on YouTube and she casts out energy and I feed off of it. Since I have became conscious of it, I’ve felt really in balance and in control. I work with the public and I hate it, especially because I work around a lot of really negative women and their energy really drains me. Since I’ve been watching those videos and have been able to sustain my energy needs, I’ve been able to erect shields and block the negative energy around me instead of feeding on it. It made me really in tune with my crystals and I have some specifically for work to protect me from lower vibrations.

I had a really fascinating conversation with a new friend last night. I was talking about how I cycle through groups of friends like I do with toothbrushes. She threw out the idea that it’s probably just because I do feed off of those people  and after so long I just can’t take their energy anymore. Because I am so receptive to energy, I stay around these people for an extended period and then there’s just a build up of the excess crap that they send off and it turns me away. It makes so much sense and I never really thought about it that way. It really makes me reflect on my relationships and the manner in which they’ve ended on. It will certainly be interesting to see how my relationships will be, now that I am actively conscious of my energy needs and being about to take care of them without having to accidentally feed off of them.

My friend said that maybe this is my purpose, my psychic vampirism. Because I am conscious of the energy and I do have a psychic awareness, it’s my purpose to go through different groups of people to learn lessons, but to also teach them. I did a tarot reading for her and her boyfriend who is a very dear friend and my readings were really amazing. My mind gets blown each time I do a reading. Perhaps it is my purpose to go around and share my spirituality to try to help others find their own spiritual journey? I’d love to learn to be a reiki practitioner and perhaps my energy awareness could even be used to heal people, beyond the physical. I feel that I am finally on to finding my true purpose in life and it makes sense that I don’t really know what I want to do in terms of a conventional career. Maybe this blog is the first step in to making this a lifestyle. Being able to meet new people and help them along the way.

I know that this is a concept and it may be too outward thinking for some, but this is my truth. This is my reality. I am an outward thinker. I’ve always felt like I have had one foot in this world and my other foot in another. I am an energy vampire. I’m no Dracula or anything like that. I’m not even bragging about it. I didn’t even really believe that I was until recently. I hope that this has helped you maybe think about your own interactions with energy. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, we all have chakras and energy and it does interact with our life, because it’s a natural part of us. I really recommend reading about it or even just watching YouTube channels. It’s really informative and helps you open your mind to new concepts and allows you to pick up on higher vibrations.

Link to Lune Innate, master reiki practitioner on YouTube:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPCHuLiHbhG3s_YxhMLOn6Q

Link to information on psy vampirism, what it’s about, symptoms and learning how to control it:  http://sphynxcatvp.nocturna.org/articles/dyscracia-psivamps.html