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Working up to what I’m about to tell you has been a long year of hating my job. I won’t say the name of my work place, but I will tell you that it was a toxic environment. It was a retail job in a small scale store in a small, toxic town. The customers who came in regularly were a bunch of entitled, elderly women who could never be pleased. To give you a single example of the kind of crap I dealt with on a regular basis, my store manager, who is the most personable person I know, was complained to through corporate over a 10 cent difference in price on a coupon that was expired.
Over and over again, I was constantly dealing with hundreds of old hags that tried to fight with me over prices, items we’ve never had that “were there years ago”, coupons, coupons, fucking coupons! and various other bullshit. I was a manager there, so it was my job to deal with it. I’ve never been a big people person, but working there turned me into a people-hating monster. There were times I would cry before I had to go to work. Towards the middle of summer it got to the point of when I was interacting with customers, my mind and eyes would often wander off and I would study the sharpest thing that was closest to me. I would think about what it would be like if I just slit my wrists right there or what it would be like to stab the customer repeatedly in front of me with it. Working there took a major toll on my mental health.
I hated my job, myself and my life. All I wanted to do was die. But I persevered, because I knew we would be moving soon so there wasn’t a point in job hunting. Alas, we finally moved and as it turned out, the same retail store happened to be in the town we live at now. My manager offered to transfer me over there. I was hesitant, but since everything was moving so fast, I didn’t want to start off without a job.
The first day after the move, I immediately got sick with a cold. I imagine my immune system was shit, because of all of the physical labor, lack of sleep and stress. I needed to rest and recover and my body forced me to do just that. I was scheduled to work at said-retail job three days after the move. I immediately had bad vibes. The weather was shit, my physical health was still shit. The store was HUGE and was an absolute mess and guess what? The customers were still shit as well, again with the fucking coupons.
I thought about just walking off the job that first day, but I pushed forward for the next two after. Saturday I decided to call off, because I didn’t think I could mentally handle another full shift there. Then Sunday happened. I met a new manager I hadn’t interacted with as soon as I clocked in. She really rubbed me the wrong way and had me work on a task that I really hated. As I was doing said task, I couldn’t help think to myself, “Why am I doing this? This is a new place and I shouldn’t be starting it doing something that makes me miserable.” I paced around the store thinking things like this for about 30 minutes and then it clicked, This is really happening. This is it. I’m going to quit.
I paced around some more hoping to pull myself together, but instead something unexpected happened. Part of it was certainly adrenaline, but I felt so out of body. It literally felt like Universal energy, Hades and my Higher self aligned and wrapped its life force around me. I truly felt like one with the ether in this moment and I could hear my soul, deity, the ancient universe telling me to quit, to follow my instincts. I hurried to the bathroom hoping to call a couple of friends on my phone to advice me on it but no one answered. It was my decision alone to make and I knew what was the right thing to do.
As I walked up to the manager on duty I said, “Do you believe in following your gut?” Hesitantly she said, “Sometimes… why?” “Because I do” saying this I begin to take out my ear piece and unclip my headset, “I can’t do this anymore. I quit. I’m done.” She said “I understand” and took my things. As I turned around, I was in such shock, I muttered, “I’m done… I’m done! I’M DONE!!!!!!!!” I screamed as collected my bag and coat. Exiting that building felt like leaving prison. I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.
As soon as I got in my car I was screaming on the top of my lungs over and over and over again, “I’m done!! I’m free!!!!!” I probably screamed for a solid 5 minutes while bawling my eyes out. It was the most releasing experience. I purged myself in my car of all the built up, repressed feelings and energy that I’ve carried all year, but particularly all summer. It was the most spiritual experience I’ve had in a very long time. It felt so good and so real to finally speak my truth and to make my own calls on what I want and don’t want. I finally got to shed my skin.
My boyfriend knew this was coming. He’s known I’ve been unhappy for a long time and he knew I really loathed the new store. I even warned him going in to work Sunday that I honestly didn’t know if I was going to walk out or not. He wasn’t angry and still isn’t. I think he’s just happy to have me back again. Even one of my close friends stated yesterday, that she could tell that I was truly happy, because in her words “Your energy feels damn near effervescent, which for you is something.” I had to laugh, but she’s not wrong. I feel alive again, it’s something I haven’t really felt since last December.
This is a good chunk of why I haven’t been writing since August, I’ve been dead inside. I’m presently in search of work, but we are comfortable on his support. As you can imagine, I have boundaries this time around on jobs and I’m being very selective. It’s not worth my unhappiness and I really want to be mentally healthy so I can put my all into this blog and other creative endeavors. It’s amazing to be happy again and to feel free. I feel like I can breathe again.