Blog

Conclusion

I’ve been thinking about this on and off and I believe that I started this blog too soon. Things are starting up again spiritually for me and I know that in the future I will have a lot to share online about it, but I feel like I’m placing too much pressure on it for it to do develop. It is my intention to continue with the blog, but I am going to start from scratch with a new page and title when I do. I will be sure to share on here the link when it happens.

So until then, an update: Right now in my mundane life I am in the hiring process of getting the job I think will really work for me. It’s very independent and relaxed. A week after my birthday (in March) I decided to get back in touch with my mom. Things are right back to normal before we had our issues. In fact, I actually visited with them for a day. It was really nice and we message each other pretty consistently.

Now for the spiritual part….

Things have picked up really fast! I have classes with a new spiritual group in the town I live. It’s hosted at a metaphysical store that is really awesome. I have some connections to possibly start of my ceramics and I can sell them at the metaphysical store! She even sells her stuff at the different events I thought of doing if I wanted to travel and sell them.

Last weekend I participated in a Reiki 1&2 class and got my attunement on Sunday. I have been very very ill all week and I believe it was all apart of the process of the attunement of breaking me down to build me back up. Friday I finally have my big revelation that has needed to happen for a while. I found Persephone! It was through a dream and it was very vague. As I started to journal it, I realized that I’m never going to meet Persephone in the way I have Hades, because Persephone resides within me. I am a piece of her in this timeline.

With that being said, I have to work on the process of breaking away my ego. When I was going through the reiki class, it really brought out a lot of anger and resistance. Thinking about it now, I believe that it was my ego being afraid and threatened by the change that comes from reiki, a good change. You see, I have a lot of barriers and walls built up and I believe that has been the reason that it has taken so long for me to find Persephone. She is radiant, life and originality. There are parts of that that have different associations that made/make me feel initially hesitant.

I think it’s just all of the defenses I have built up. To be yourself, to be open and to have an open heart makes you vulnerable. But if I open myself up, allow myself to be her vessel and to embrace all that is radiant in me, I’ll be the better for it. I just have a lot of internal work to do and it’s all for the better.

Something that has helped me in making my decision was this video talking about identity by Lune Innate. I’ll be sure to share it. It came out right when I needed it, because it just really relates to everything I am experiencing right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbviPE–jYY

 

I hope that you enjoyed this blog. I know I built it up and didn’t follow through, but I feel like it has its completion. As I said, I fully intend to continue on with a new blog, but I need it to be free of the ego and resistance that I have placed in this blog.  I wish you all well.

Blessed Be

Advertisements

What’s Brewing in My Cauldron

il_570xN.1225491256_14e4
@frannerd on Etsy

Maybe it’s because I’m getting older or just where I am at this point in time, but things don’t feel as urgent and big as they used to do. Since I got back into paganism three years ago, I continued to feel like something “big” was coming. I imagined it up to be this major fantastical, supernatural event. I certainly did get a few of those through dreams, but where I am now, that feeling has washed over. I feel that I am meant to be right here in this moment instead of planning my usual schemes. My mantra this year is to be in the present.

I used to be quite the artist when I was much younger and I have wanted to find my niche in all of it. In the last few months, I have stumbled upon some lovely artists on Instagram and Pinterest that have really inspired me and set me off on a potential artistic path. I don’t really know what to call it, but it’s kind of voyeuristic in a non-sexual kind of way. It’s art that is peaking into a person’s life. I call it “home life”. After venturing on to some tarot pages on Instagram, I have found some oracle and tarot decks that I intend of purchasing in the future. I ended up buying one of them and I’m going to save that deck for my next post as a review. My intention with this post though, is to share some of these to maybe inspire you and lead into my next post. But here you go, I hope you love these artists as much as I do.

14712004_818811358261892_1004595680917848064_n

22802104_1801723660126301_2750863180845547520_n(1)
Above @sallustration on Instagram or sallynixon.com

 

26872773_225327598010957_8798048903069958144_n(1)

26869468_802931626581051_5938498323508887552_n
Above @amidst.silence on Instagram or Kelsey Draws on Redbubble

18444246_447498165610439_8696622498755641344_n
@riikkasormunen on Instagram

If you love it, you’re more than welcome to check out my pinterest. I am thoroughly obsessed with this. Home Life on Pinterest

 

Here are some of the Oracle Decks that are similar to this that I desperately desire

s710928833960619983_p10_i18_w1398
Quality Time Self Care Activity Deck by Deja Drewit or @dejadrewit on Instagram

20170514_174729
@extraordinaryoracle on Instagram or Extraordinary Oracle.com

bf59c603f0624f2bc0246e8c47fe1241
Amethyst Oracle Deck @thecrackedamethyst on Instagram or https://www.thecrackedamethyst.com/

Changing My Ways

0a8c92547f813b214c5d89f8c8bc4313-the-raven-ravens

Image Source: link

Hello my friends

I’m going to put a stopper right now to that I am not going to be apologetic every time I get on here and write, because I am not writing every week. It doesn’t matter if things were just “getting good” in my blog entries. This is supposed to be more of an open journal, but I think I have forgotten that. The truth of it is, I am changing as a person so it’s been a little complicated to write about. A year ago around this time, I was in a dark place because I felt so indecisive and lost. Today, I don’t know what I want for my future, but I am content with the present. I realize that I am not going to be a weekly blogger. I think one blog a month is most reasonable right now. You see, the more I push to be spiritual, the less I come up with. It’s an intuitive and fickle thing, but I am a Pisces after all.

I’ve had one epiphany and I think it’s the most important one. I am working through letting go of my ego. I realized earlier last year that I have been motivated by fame and fortune, instead of passion and love of what I do. I’ve been unemployed for the last two months and it’s been a wonderful chance to reflect and heal from the happenings of the last several years. You see, the last four years has been about recovering from my last relationship. I lost the foundation of myself and it’s taken a long time to build myself back up.

I was looking to my past self as an example of who I should be and in doing so, I felt the need be this person that was on a pedestal. When I was growing up, I was the weird kid. I was different from people and I was very artistic. Adults particularly would say “I was going to go places”, “I was going to be someone” or “I was going to get famous.”  It felt good to feel so highly esteemed, to be expected to be successful and to be embraced for being different. I think because of that, it warped me and forced me to feel like I had to be that person. I had to be an artist, a successful one at that. It never occurred to me until last month that that was a projection that has been placed upon me.

It isn’t just a projection from people I grew up with either. It’s a society issue as well. Growing up in America, we are conditioned to believe that nothing is good enough. Success is measured by wealth, beauty and fame so as a whole, most of us are set to fail. I have been so delusional in my goals. Everything in some way is meant to feed my ego and it’s not what I want anymore. Not that I intend to lose my sense of self, but to shed off that superficial ego to a large degree. It is my goal this year to learn to be in the present moment, because life is good. I am surrounded by loved ones including my fur babies. I have everything I could want.

My other goal is to find what I enjoy and to just have fun. Everything hobby related pre-epiphany always followed with potential money that could come from it. Whether it be painting, blogging, writing, anything… I was thinking how can I get famous and rich from this. But the fact is, you can’t grow a tree when a house is built on top of it, nor can you build a house from a growing tree. It’s a heavy burden, wondering how you’re going to get rich and famous. It’s silly to even think that way, especially to finally admit it out loud.

My tastes have changed since all of this. I have changed and so this blog is going to change. I imagine in a positive way. I want to have fun and have a lighthearted approach to what  I do here-on-out. I’m only going to write on here once a month for sure, but I may write more. I think the less stress I put on this, the more I will enjoy it again. I know I’ve been rehashing this, but I think it’s because I’m uncomfortable actually knowing my audience. I know there are people who are actually reading this and have some sort of expectation. However, I am done with expectations, including my own. My idea of success has changed. Success should be self measured. I am proud of all that I have accomplished. I am more proud of myself for coming to this realization, because it changes the core of who I am.

 

Planetary Influences

reiki-retrogradeImage Source Link

To follow up with The Stars Align, I wanted to talk about how the stars actually aligned. I discovered a few days after I quit my job of some key astrological things were happening. To start with, Mars (desire, drive) was in opposition of Pluto (transformation, elimination). Opposition typically indicates an over stimulation of energy. For me, the opposition gave me that push to finally do it. I felt divine energy go through me in the moments of me realizing that the decision was already made. Scorpio represents Hades through-and-through to me and Mars and Pluto (the Roman name for Hades) are Scorpio’s ruling planets.

I also discovered that Neptune was coming out of retrograde a few days after that. I was not aware that it had been in Rx (retrograde) for the last 6 months, but once I did, it clicked with me that was a possible part of the reason that I had felt spiritually dead. Normally Rx Neptune is supposed to be a time for spiritual focus. However, because I am a Pisces (Neptune is the ruling planet for Pisces) it may have been a reason for my lull; Perhaps for other Pisces they do feel more spiritual, but my spiritual focus is guided more by energy cues and the elusive quality of Neptune. After I had found out about the Rx, I dug deep and found some insight on why I work the way I do.

I am not in anyway saying that astrology is the reason to why things happen. I believe that the planetary alignments/movements indicate different energies that are going on in the universe and that it can sway us towards certain actions and behaviors. I am an psy-vamp (energy vampire) and I am very receptive to the energies around me. It’s possible that Neptune influences my perception. Also it could be associated to the relationship between Persephone and Hades and I’m spiritually inclined towards the dark half of the year. There are plenty of variables.

The important thing is that I didn’t stress about it over the summer. I knew that my spiritual dud would pass and that maybe I was just meant to take a break from it. Everything happens for a reason. To me, retrogrades indicate a time to take a break/rest. Rest is just as, if not more, important as action. We are presently in Mercury retrograde until the 22nd. I can easily see the influence from it. My computer and phone has been super wonky and frustrating, but I’ve been drawing an energy barrier around it and it seems to work.

I know that this blog wasn’t very interesting, but it is essential for me to acknowledge these influences, because they are lessons learned. They give me a deeper understanding of the way I interact with the world. It also prepares me for future retrogrades and how I can best work with them.

 

 

The Stars Align

Man and the Universe
Image source: link

Working up to what I’m about to tell you has been a long year of hating my job.  I won’t say the name of my work place, but I will tell you that it was a toxic environment. It was a retail job in a small scale store in a small, toxic town. The customers who came in regularly were a bunch of entitled, elderly women who could never be pleased. To give you a single example of the kind of crap I dealt with on a regular basis, my store manager, who is the most personable person I know, was complained to through corporate over a 10 cent difference in price on a coupon that was expired.

Over and over again, I was constantly dealing with hundreds of old hags that tried to fight with me over prices, items we’ve never had that “were there years ago”, coupons, coupons, fucking coupons! and various other bullshit. I was a manager there, so it was my job to deal with it. I’ve never been a big people person, but working there turned me into a people-hating monster. There were times I would cry before I had to go to work. Towards the middle of summer it got to the point of when I was interacting with customers, my mind and eyes would often wander off and I would study the sharpest thing that was closest to me. I would think about what it would be like if I just slit my wrists right there or what it would be like to stab the customer repeatedly in front of me with it. Working there took a major toll on my mental health.

I hated my job, myself and my life. All I wanted to do was die. But I persevered, because I knew we would be moving soon so there wasn’t a point in job hunting. Alas, we finally moved and as it turned out, the same retail store happened to be in the town we live at now. My manager offered to transfer me over there. I was hesitant, but since everything was moving so fast, I didn’t want to start off without a job.

The first day after the move, I immediately got sick with a cold. I imagine my immune system was shit, because of all of the physical labor, lack of sleep and stress. I needed to rest and recover and my body forced me to do just that. I was scheduled to work at said-retail job three days after the move. I immediately had bad vibes. The weather was shit, my physical health was still shit. The store was HUGE and was an absolute mess and guess what? The customers were still shit as well, again with the fucking coupons.

I thought about just walking off the job that first day, but I pushed forward for the next two after. Saturday I decided to call off, because I didn’t think I could mentally handle another full shift there. Then Sunday happened. I met a new manager I hadn’t interacted with as soon as I clocked in. She really rubbed me the wrong way and had me work on a task that I really hated. As I was doing said task, I couldn’t help think to myself, “Why am I doing this? This is a new place and I shouldn’t be starting it doing something that makes me miserable.” I paced around the store thinking  things like this for about 30 minutes and then it clicked, This is really happening. This is it. I’m going to quit. 

I paced around some more hoping to pull myself together, but instead something unexpected happened. Part of it was certainly adrenaline, but I felt so out of body. It literally felt like Universal energy, Hades and my Higher self aligned and wrapped its life force around me. I truly felt like one with the ether in this moment and I could hear my soul, deity, the ancient universe telling me to quit, to follow my instincts. I hurried to the bathroom hoping to call a couple of friends on my phone to advice me on it but no one answered. It was my decision alone to make and I knew what was the right thing to do.

As I walked up to the manager on duty I said, “Do you believe in following your gut?” Hesitantly she said, “Sometimes… why?” “Because I do” saying this I begin to take out my ear piece and unclip my headset, “I can’t do this anymore. I quit. I’m done.” She said “I understand” and took my things. As I turned around, I was in such shock, I muttered, “I’m done… I’m done! I’M DONE!!!!!!!!” I screamed as collected my bag and coat. Exiting that building felt like leaving prison. I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders.

As soon as I got in my car I was screaming on the top of my lungs over and over and over again, “I’m done!! I’m free!!!!!” I probably screamed for a solid 5 minutes while bawling my eyes out. It was the most releasing experience. I purged myself in my car of all the built up, repressed feelings and energy that I’ve carried all year, but particularly all summer. It was the most spiritual experience I’ve had in a very long time. It felt so good and so real to finally speak my truth and to make my own calls on what I want and don’t want. I finally got to shed my skin.

My boyfriend knew this was coming. He’s known I’ve been unhappy for a long time and he knew I really loathed the new store. I even warned him going in to work Sunday that I honestly didn’t know if I was going to walk out or not. He wasn’t angry and still isn’t. I think he’s just happy to have me back again. Even one of my close friends stated yesterday, that she could tell that I was truly happy, because in her words “Your energy feels damn near effervescent, which for you is something.” I had to laugh, but she’s not wrong. I feel alive again, it’s something I haven’t really felt since last December.

This is a good chunk of why I haven’t been writing since August, I’ve been dead inside. I’m presently in search of work, but we are comfortable on his support. As you can imagine, I have boundaries this time around on jobs and I’m being very selective. It’s not worth my unhappiness and I really want to be mentally healthy so I can put my all into this blog and other creative endeavors. It’s amazing to be happy again and to feel free. I feel like I can breathe again.

I’m back!

397c37db989d9fa356e470b22e537f46
Image Source: link

Hello Friends! I’m back!

It’s been a while. As you all know, my man and I graduated from University in May. He had to complete an internship after graduation and past that, he was good to start applying for jobs in his major. I’m pretty sure that I mentioned it in a previous post, but I decided that I was going to place myself in the passenger’s side and let him take us where we needed to be. We heard back from a few places in August, they were three part interviewing process. They said we would hear back in a month after the first interview, but September went by, then October…

Tired of waiting he applied for a job three hours north of us in mid-October. He heard back from them pretty immediately. He went on to have a second interview with them two days after that. A week after that, he had a face-to-face interview and bam! He’s hired. Two days before Halloween we looked at three different apartments in the area and fell in love with the last one we looked at. We put in our application for it and two days after that, bam! We were accepted. We moved in a week later, the date being November 11th. It seemed/seems like this was meant to be. Everything else we tried for was slow going, but this happened within only a couple of weeks. Not to mention that the transition was so smooth and so, so FAST! So here we are.

The apartment we live in now is awesome! Not that I didn’t love the apartment we lived in before, but this one is a three bedroom with an attached garage and shed. Plus the backyard is really nice! You can bet that we will be having fires back there. We have big, round furniture and were fortunate that the living room could comfortably fit it. Our couch is a big red, semi-circular couch and I have a big papasan chair. If you don’t know what a papasan is, it’s a rattan (kinda like bamboo), mushroom chair.  Most importantly for me, I’ve been saying all year that wherever we move to next, I want an office. Well guess what? I have one!

I wanted to do a blog post the first week we moved in, but I was really sick all week. Last week was me settling in and then the last two days, I finally got my ducks in a row and got the office completely set up. This is just a little update on what’s been going on. I have a spiritual post I plan to write tomorrow which will talk about why I’ve been a-wall and a really satisfying decision I did two Sundays ago. Until then, I hope you all have a great rest of the day. I’m very glad to be back.

Blessed be.

Embracing the Queen

43a1e03750a4ad5317616a369b8883df-the-raven-ravensImage Source: link

Now that I have made it past a quarter of my life, I have noticed a lot of change in my life. Relationships, behaviors, thoughts and styles I have out grown. I have really come of age. I think no matter what generation you are in, reaching your middle twenties is a really awkward phase to be in. It’s just silently awkward, because before in your teen’s you got to experience and share it with other’s around your age. At 26, I have since outgrown childhood relationships and those I was close to, have grown distant because our lives went separate paths. My social circles have greatly shrunk since I was in my teens.

It feels even more awkward for me as a woman in her mid-to-late 20’s that hasn’t had a kid or gotten married at 18 (or both). I used to be someone who spent her time in the company of friends who were 7 to 20 year’s older who also didn’t have kids.  But now I am becoming friends with other women who are experiencing their coming of age and having children, so it’s become a real eye opener. It has really made me conscious of other prerogatives as a woman. Often as a kid, I always felt that Crone energy surrounding me (being the older people and interests I had), but also the maiden energy as I was growing from within. But now I feel a shift in energies now that I am in the next quarter of my life. I no longer feel that I am the Maiden nor the Crone, but I feel that I am now experiencing The Mother.

It’s conflicting for me, as someone who has never wanted kids to enter The Mother or “Woman” aspect of my life. I’m not a girl anymore, I have fought my own battles for a long time so I have earned the right to call myself a woman.  However, I don’t want children which makes me feel like I don’t qualify to be The Mother, which makes me feel like I am not a Woman. On top of that, society adds a stigma against getting older or embracing femininity because that equals embracing sexuality.

We have been brainwashed from birth that we are inferior. We are raised to tear each other apart, to hate each other, to hate ourselves.  Because society makes you feel like you have to defend yourself for being a girl, to prove that you aren’t a slut or that you’re not to confident or too successful. Calling yourself a woman means to take pride in yourself as an independent woman. So here’s what I propose:

I am owning being The Mother by modernizing it and calling it The Queen. A Queen can follow any path she chooses. She can rule the world and, if she chooses to do so, raise children at the same time. She commands respect and loyalty. She upholds her own values and knows  her own strengths. She chooses to walk the beat of her own drum. I have earned my title of Queen. I have fought my own battles and will rule what I have built. It’s time to update the Triple Goddesses to be The Maiden, The Queen and the Crone.